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"Don't worry I'm not judging I said".She looked at mine, and smiled slightly. "I've seen that one - it's very good". We stood up and she apologised again, "Sorry, I live on my own and, it gets lonely. I don't get much, err, interest these days."I relaxed a little. I felt almost as embarrassed as she did and had a racing heartbeat. This had gone so badly I didn't care anymore. "Why on Earth not?" I asked, then realised what I'd said. She went red and laughed nervously. "Look, I'll sort out your change for you - do you want a cup of tea or something?". I said yes and she closed the front door and went into the kitchen.She made tea and sat down at her kitchen table. She put the DVDs down on the table and looked over at me. "I like the story ones sometimes", she said, nodding at the DVDs. "But if I get worked up I like the harder ones", she paused, "err, with spunk and... cocks". The way she said 'cocks' sounded like it was an effort. She looked away again, then back quickly. "I like the. “We believe what we want to believe.” She whispered softly before she blanketed herself. “I think you have always known that.” Seven years collected in memory- where delusions rise to the surface and hold me condemned to die by my own thoughts, my own feelings, my love. I still remember those words as if they were being spoken at this very moment through her raspberry pouted lips. “I think you have always known that.” I have. Even now there are doubts hanging, lingering as if I had not put my entire existence into her happiness. Begrudged heart separated from how it all began. I slowly came to the realization that it was out of my hands. “I do love you.” I reiterated my stance. To be shunned and castrated from your life-love demanded more than just soft words and idle threats. Yet I still cling to inane attempts at saving face or dreams “I love you,”- how foolish that must sound to the strong and the bold. “I love you,”- yes goddamn you, I wish I had never spoken those words. I found.
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